there's no road that ain't a hard road to travel on

hocus pocus alimagocus

2006-10-03T01:34:00.000-06:00

i choked up a little bit on the inside when i saw this.
it was like i had just seen it yesterday.
check out this link to remind yourself that canadian tv wasn't so bad at one time.....

http://www.retrojunk.com/details_theme/386/

a couple of sidenotes:

it is about to begin. a new season. a new year. i expect greatness.

this summer i saw a giraffe

and the giraffe made me:

yes for some reason i always pick the ridiculous pictures, but it shows essence.

p.s i hate chris pronger. i ponder possible signs for his first game back:

"lock up your daughters or tv anchors chris pronger is in town"

"if my husband got paid $35 million i'd live anywhere"

"pronger doesn't understand commitment on ice or off"

"don't worry the hate between you and comrie is equal"

"Now, he'll be the second-most hated man coming back to play there. I'm sure I'll get booed every time I touch the puck, every time my face is on camera. I'm sure there'll be some great signs when I come back (his first visit is Nov. 28), too."

since he expects an uproar: "is this a great sign pronger?"

or how about this: "nobody cares"

Holly and Steve do Vermillion ' 06- Part I

2006-02-22T02:18:00.000-07:00

For kicks here are SOME pictures that I took when Steve and I went to go visit Nicole in Vermillion. If I posted every picture I took sadly many of them would be of me. ha ha! Anyhow these are just some starter images...I will add some another day. Warn Verm that I will come back before spring! But can it handle my truck? ha ha Smile you're shopping at Craig's!
Holly is wearing the Winter Hutterite Hat Collection in Black.Retails for $19.99 (pom pom included).
Rockin' it out in Craig's...the camera loves me!

This is my eye, my eye up close
A self image in nicole's living room
Nicole with "THE" helmet on-backwards nonetheless
Steve making skating motions...but can he skate?

Pictures From a Party in a Public Place

2006-02-22T01:26:00.000-07:00

Here are some pictures from a birthday party that I graced this weekend. I just realized that these pictures aren't THAT exciting...but really-who doesn't love pictures? Me and Maria...
Me, Justin, and Maria... I think Maria's neck could possibly twist off right away
Me and Justin
Nicole and Justin

Maria and Jody

back it up, back it up, you got it, you got it

2005-11-20T22:31:00.000-07:00

the night i was having fun until it all exploded in my face

2005-11-07T14:48:00.000-07:00

here is ONE picture from the bear's halloween howler. i don't even remember the concert itself. i swear the sets were short and the drink lines long. i love the trailer park boys. julian waving at me. getting trailer park memorbilia and smoking it. didn't see the train wreck coming.

i've just died a little

2005-10-25T02:03:00.000-06:00

how depressing. they have officially taken away my university email account. i even tried to login twice just in case i got the password wrong. like really, what would it hurt for that institution to let me keep accessing that account? is this how painful it is to get a degree? am i supposed to miss that place this much? i feel like a little part of me just died on the inside.

silver apples, free money, and being told things

2005-10-24T00:20:00.000-06:00

What an interesting experience it is to have complete strangers pay your way. How to respond to such gestures I am unclear about. I tend to do the whole no no don't worry about it, but then they do anyhow and I then do the over gracious thing. I don't want them to pay, I don't expect them to, I don't go there to have things paid for, but for some reason they offer. I met an interesting old man on saturday night at the bar. He had quite the head of white hair, actually his eyebrows, moustache, and general facial hair were all that way. He was playing that ntn trivia game and kept talking out loud. At first I was irritated because I wasn't playing and didn't want to hear this man's train of thought, also he was distracting me from N and I's game. The trivia questions actually seemed decent for once so N and I decided to try our chance at it. Well this of course gave him the excuse to have an ongoing conversation with me. I'll admit it-I cheated. When he said the answers out loud I would as quick as my fingers could press that answer. The more he talked the more he reminded me of this professor I had for canadian lit two years ago. He had this energy, this knowledge, this almost lonerism about him. He wasn't wearing a wedding ring so I assumed he wasn't married, but I felt bad for him that he could be going home to an empty house every night. He told me that he usually plays at average joes, but once in a while goes to select other bars to play it there instead. He said he likes to come visit some of the ladies that work here. I was kind of dissapointed that his breath smelled like beer. It was like it made him less true, it made him like every other man who drinks, it made him no better than them. He is like this hardcore ntn player who knows so much about anything and everything. He'd be shouting out answers before they even appeared on the screen. I just let him talk because I didn't always know what to say. He informed me that he had to leave about 2/3 of the way through one round because he had to catch the bus to get to the lrt station, and ride the lrt to the u, get off and wait for some bus that he hoped he wouldn't have to wait too long for because it only runs every half an hour, and if he missed that bus he would have to walk 10 blocks from bonnie doon mall. I wondered what would possess this man to take all that public transportation all the way across the city to sit at this bar to play this game. Am I wasting my life away, or has he wasted his life away? Should I let myself be like him and take immense pleasure in things that don't get me anywhere in life? Or should he be like me and constantly worry about what I'm doing with my life and what's happening to the people around me? Why did this person come into my existence at that moment? What am I supposed to have learned from it?

I learned an interesting piece of information this wek from J's mom. I saw her after the hockey game on tuesday. She isn't doing so well and was very chatty. She just kept talking and talking about him. She told me something that I needed to hear and never would have heard from anyone but her. I guess she has been trying to get him to talk to her but he isn't responding at all. She said when she goes into his room he just turns away from her. Last weekend she was in his room trying to make him talk, and she just doesn't get why he won't talk to her about anything and somehow in this interaction he told her that Holly is the only one who understands me. Sure this is probably a big kick in the face for her but for me it made my heart feel all special and loved and my head swell an inch and a half. Here was this woman telling me this because she feels exasperated by it, but it was the complete opposite for me. He must have said this sometime after seeing me last friday. I must have done something right. Then again he did shoot me with our pretend guns that night. Don't you love the silly inside jokes? I'm glad I'm the only one who understands him because I feel like he is the only one who gets me sometimes. And as long as we get eachother it will be okay. I just wish he would allow himself to be understood right now. She really shouldn't take it too personally though- she is his MOTHER. Did it ever occur to anyone that we aren't JUST a couple, that we are also best friends? Imagine two people being lovers AND friends! Okay, enough with the caps but really people! Have you ever noticed how often university professors refer to their husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends as "partners"? Some do it because of the dictionary definition of husband and wife, others do it because they want to seem all vague (not on purpose but it does make you think), others do it to be like everyone else. Anyhow, the point is that some people are actually able to achieve the title of being partners. I do believe we are partners. We share everything and we are equals. I tried to reassure her it was because she was mom, but she still couldn't accept it I don't think. It's nice to know how important you are to someone else, too bad it can be at someone else's expense. But she sees him everyday, she gets to talk to him (well she talks he ignores), she even just gets to see that he is still existing. I got nothing, but this beats it all. I would rather know that that statement came from his mouth amongst everything going on inside him and around him right now. It is a pretty powerful thing to say to someone who is not that person. No matter what she does, what she says, how much she pushes she cannot replace me. I feel honoured and proud.

It makes me think of that Foo Fighters' song "The Best of You". The line is someone getting the best of you I like to interpret it as a separate entity from the rest of the song. I know it means more so about having someone in your life that is like taking from you even though you might not want them to. But I like to use it as a self-reflection question: is someone getting the best of you- as in are you giving everything you have to someone or whatever you are doing in your life right now, because if you aren't then why the hell try? They deserve the best you can give. Maybe that is why I am the one who understands him because I've always tried to give my best to him. Don't all rush in at the last minute being all righteous, he sees right through it. He told me that last friday. He doesn't buy it. He doesn't care. Too late. It was too late years ago.

The mail arrived on wednesday, but I haven 't opened it yet. I am waiting for a moment when I need to feel loved. My name is all in big J writing. I've looked at his writing close enough to see how he formed each letter. I am still enjoying the presence of the envelope unopened in my room, so I will ride that out.

Oh, N and I also made $20 each on friday night. Moe won big on the vlt and decided to share with buddy holly and nicole kidman.

A quote I was delighted to find in the Chronicles of Narnia the other night:

"When things go wrong, you'll find they usually go on getting worse for some time; but when things once start going right they often go on getting better and better"- The Magician's Nephew

This comes after Digory and Polly return from Narnia, and he has brought with him a silver apple which will help heal his mother. If I ever own another male cat I want to call him Aslan, damn Orange would make a good Aslan because he's orange.

I know who I would give my silver apple to

i'm gonna make somebody love me

2005-10-15T03:35:00.000-06:00

My head is freaking pounding and I should be taking refuge in my bed but I gotta get this out. I'm not just gonna report the lows, so I feel like I have to express my current high. Post-game (stupid fucking Guerin called as second star of the game comes onto the ice like we actually care about him. we are so over you, just like we are so over fatso no.44 on your team) -anyhow back on task here Holly, N and I decide to go out after she gets off work. We mosey over to get me truck some gas and start driving in a general direction of east. We end up in the parking lot of this place we go sometimes and try and decide if we should go in. We do and we situate ourselves infront of this wonderful gambling game that satisfies our burning urge to run to the casino and spend money we can't afford to. This machine gives you three credits for a dollar, and it is very entertaining. We play for a while and then are just sitting around. Then IT happens. He walks in the door with his friend. I have to steady myself to not fall off the chair. They go to the counter to get a pool table and I make eye contact with him. I don't know what to do, so I end up jokingly sticking my tongue out at him. How lame can you be Holly? He laughs at me. Him and his friend go and play their pool and he sends me a message that says Hi U2. The night rolls on and next thing N and I know this guy "Gary" is buying us drinks and "Moe" is playing our video game with us. We literally "made friends at the bar" because we were sitting RIGHT at the bar. Ha ha. Then we're playing the nudie games and all these strangers are gathered around N and I laughing. "It's all about the surroundings". Ha ha. It was crazy funny. We had this little posse going on. I felt like I was on Cheers. Anyhow, its last call, last game of pool, last everything. J and his friend pay out their table and his friend plays the VLTs for a while. J comes over to talk with me and he shoots me with our inside joke pretend guns. We talk for a while, and he immediately tells me things are horrible for him. He feels like his meds aren't working, he feels like crap, he sleeps all the time, and this is the first time he's been out of the house in like two weeks he says. We talk about him, me, whatever else inbetween. He asks to see my tattoo I obligingly show it off. He told me he sleeps all the time because he feels like his dreams are better than real life. Then it's time to go home and we're all standing around outside, I run to the petro to buy him some cigarettes. He doesn't ask me to I just do. I know he hates it, but he's too proud. I do it because I would do anything for anyone in my life. It's bloody cold outside so we leave. He asks for a hug and hugs me tight and I hug him tight too. He tells me something is coming in the mail for me. I say should I be worried? He says no it's not white powder it's something you two didn't get in time. I'm too smart so I make a guess. I won't say what it is, I'll tell you when it comes. He said he put it in the mail yesterday. Said he put 6 stamps on it so it should make it. I asked if he put a note or something in it, he said he did. I can't wait for the mail. Seriously, this gesture is the epitome of why I love this boy. And to think what it would have done for me if I wouldn't have seen him tonight. I would have been blown away. J is always bad for keeping secrets. One year he gave me my Christmas present in november or early december because he couldn't wait. Actually he did that twice, once it was a ring and the other time it was a Pisani jersey. Anyhow, back on topic. See Holly things aren't as bad as you let yourself think. He still cares about you if he sent what he did. He is just in a terrible place and is having troubles getting out. He said he'd call me. He'd better! But I have to like curb my enthusiasm. I don't want to overwhelm him with my giddiness. Turtle and the hare. Turtle and the hare. Slow and steady wins the race. Then there was the Tim Hortons/Police occifer fiasco. Ha ha. I'll save that one for another day. I'm glad this day happened. I really needed it. I entitled this post on the lyrics from the Franz Ferdinand song "Do you want to" because one of the first lines is something like I'm going to go out tonight and I'm gonna make somebody love me. Yeah that's right I like to state the obvious incase you didn't know. I'm a teacher so it gives me the right. Okay Holly, say goodnight you've had enough. Fine. Goodnight.

inked

2005-10-11T03:19:00.000-06:00

Today my skin and I are celebrating the two week anniversary of my tattoo. Whenever I run into someone and they ask what's new I always forget. Afterwards I'm always like: damn I forgot the tattoo! Bah! Now when I see "inked" or "miami ink" I can hardly believe that I subjected myself to such an act. It's hard to see upclose on tv what was done to your skin. All I can say is thank god I couldn't see it happening to me. At the time it was getting done I swore that I would never allow myself to feel that pain again. Yeah pain is just in the moment. You get over it quickly. Anyway, happy anniversary to me and my tattoo.

My mother came home from the lake with outside perspective: my aunt (who is also my godmother). Her advice: hang in there. I like to use colons. Her comment: they have too much going for eachother to lose it. Her other comment: he needs time to get his life in order before he can be a part of a relationship again. This is what she concluded after hearing the whole story. We are such "the" couple. It is true we have a lot going for us. People are always asking about us. It's like we are this standard. A high one at times too. Fuck my crown is heavy. Tilted crowns are stylish. I made my kingdom and I shall live in it too. Ha ha. Actually J and I had a discussion about our fairytale ideas about the future that were falling faster than that diving call at the game saturday night. I think me being in school made me delusional about the real world. We agreed that we should down grade the fairytale intensity. You can't have it all at the start, and really there wouldn't be anything else to look forward to. We decided to stop living by this time line and just go with it. We decided that we could still LIVE if we didn't transport ourselves directly into a house. I told him I would be happy living in a card board box with him. Look now I am the paper bag princess! Ronald may be dressed nice but he's a bum, at least that's what I hear. Pretentious Ronald in his white shorts holding his tennis racquet. Ha ha. But in all seriousness, I would live in a box with him. I would have everything I needed in life. I said if I was going to be poor I wanted to be poor with him because we could at least continue to entertain one another. J and I always laughed a lot. At eachother, ourselves, other people. If I keep my head quiet enough I can hear him laugh.

I refuse to go on living by everyone's standards that I imagine. No more. What we do is what is good for us. And *gasp* if it even means living together before getting married I don't care.

Okay quiet now, wait for it. Wait to hear the laughter. Wait for the silence to break.

are we still trying?

2005-10-10T02:50:00.000-06:00

If there was one question I could ask that would be it. No one can answer the question I need answered except one person. No one can give me absolute assurance but one person. Why does my emotional stability revolve around one person? I curse myself for being so analytical. Things about me dissipated in this relationship, I forgot how I over analyze things until this June. My mind is very careful and calculating taking every detail into consideration. I weigh possibililties back and forth until they can be categorized into either possible or impossible. I pit situations against eachother and try and figure out what I should take as truth. What makes one moment truer than the other? My mind can race off into a direction that is completely impossible, but my thoughts are so worn out I am too tired to stop it. I can take myself to places or situations that could be so hurtful I manage to lose any stable perspective. Even during sleep I cannot escape my head. My mind hardly rests. They say there is no rest for the weary. My heart is tired I know that. I question my own self. Am I stupid? Am I stubborn? Why won't I just quit? Would he do this for me if I was the one going through this? I know I am stubborn, I know I'm not a quitter, but is it really about those things? Or is it about commitment, love, your best friend? How do you turn your back on someone who you are committed to, someone you have loved for three and half years, your best friend? The hardest part is that I am trying to be there for someone who is shutting the world out. Well according to my algebraic equation he is. I spent all summer with the same conundrum, then in the beginning of early september things turned around. We spent three weeks together before things went bad again. On the last day I saw him it took me two hours to talk him out of bed. He told me that this (meaning situation in his life) was the worst it has been yet. I didn't entirely agree, but I think that this was because I selfishly equated communication with me as progress. Those two hours were the most mentally and emotionally draining hours I've spent with him in the last four months. I may come across as strong, but I didn't even entirely know what to say to him. I did the best that I could, I did the best that I knew how to. It must have worked as he did find the courage to get himself up. I am trying to not regret that day in my mind as I did say some things I wish I could take back. Then came the phone call wednesday night. Someone who is depressed should not try to fool someone as mentally sharp as myself. I don't over analyze for nothing. I don't remember details for nothing either. At the beginning of the conversation it was I've met someone else, then it was a discussion of our relationship (using tenses that meant we were still together but what needed to be changed), then it was admitting when asked that it was in fact that he felt overwhelmed (is this true, or are you making this up because you feel overwhelmed and can't handle it. reply: yes. emotional voice demanding to know yes to which one), then the conversation ending with agreeing that maybe we needed a break (when I suggested it he said he was "glad that I said it". The tone conveyed that maybe this is what he really wanted, but was afraid to ask for it and that he felt relief that this was the option we would go with). During our conversation he seemed to become more rational as time went on. He started off wanting to quit, but then he altered himself into the direction of discussing his feelings and thoughts. He hasn't done this about us at all yet. I have heard him come down on his work, family, home life, friends, etc but he finally reached me. He finally allowed himself to discuss us. He just went about it in a very bizarre way at first. It was so weird because we suddenly were talking about our relationship and agreeing that this or that was wrong and couldn't go on that way. I was agreeing that I maybe handled things poorly sometimes (yes, me admitting wrong, this is a testament to how much I've grown this summer). He sounded happy, content, relieved all at the same time as we confronted and agreed on issues. I can't explain it. It's just that feeling you have with someone when you both reach the same conclusion or have the same thoughts or ideas. Liberating maybe? I don't know. Anyhow, I haven't talked to him since and its been just under three weeks. I am mad at myself to agreeing to the break because I don't think he should be going at this alone, but you cannot force someone who wants to be alone to be with you because you think its good for them. I worry that maybe he just agreed to the break to appease me. But then I tell myself he had no problem calling me that day in the first place, so if he REALLY felt that strongly about ending it he would have text messaged/called to tell me so. I don't think he realizes that when someone is experiencing what he is they shouldn't make choices that will affect them in the long term. His thinking has become totally irrational. My mom told me to take the phone conversation as him getting what he needed off of his chest. And what we discussed had truth in it, but I tried to reason with him that we haven't even tried. I reminded him of the discussion we had when there was the possibility of me taking a teaching job and having to move away. It didn't mean that we were just going to break up, instead our relationship would have to change. Our relationship does have to change but we haven't even tried to change it yet. But because of his mind state everything is negative, dark, and unfixable. The three weeks we spent together in september happened without any caution. We just did what felt right at the time. Maybe that was an error on our part and we should have sat down and "talked" about our relationship. But I didn't want to bother him with that talk because he had too many other issues to deal with. My mind set this whole time has been that when the time is right we will talk about it. It wasn't something that he should have to worry about because it wasn't going anywhere. Plain and simple I just don't fucking get it. I don't think I am supposed to either. We talked about so much in the time we spent together, and I know that he was being honest with me. He told me he wouldn't sit there and lie to me. He told me he loved me, he said nothing had changed between us, he told me a big part of his heart would always belong to me, he told me we still had the rest of our lives to spend with eachother, he held me, he kissed me, he let me cry into his shoulder, he made me laugh, he made me remember why I was willing to go through all that I have been. He was getting better. Then he relapsed. I have no idea what he has been doing, where he has been, or what he is thinking. I know only what he tells me and there is only silence right now. With him silence doesn't necessarily have negative connotations. If it was the worst yet three weeks ago I highly doubt it has gotten any better. The only thing I can do is keep focused on the person who he really is when he was healthy, because that is the person who I love. There is really no sense in confusing the person who you love with the mental illness. They are not the same person. I also am trying to not focus on the "what ifs", but instead remembering how I will act in the future as to prevent the same mistakes. When you have been with someone so long it seems ridiculous to quit without trying, to turn your back on someone who is suffering, and to try and forget someone who isn't worth forgetting. Fuck. That night during our conversation I told him tearily that I would miss him, and wouldn't he miss me? He answered that of course he would miss me. Then why deny yourself the chance you have to love someone and have them love you back? What if this is was your only chance, would you be willing to give it up? I have only ever loved him. He has only ever loved me. Is that relevant? We have always felt very strongly about one another, and both verbalized our feelings about it. I remember writing in a card I gave him once that I felt so lucky to have found the person I wanted to love for the rest of my life when I did because we still had our whole lives ahead of us to spend together. He wrote to me once that he could not imagine spending the rest of his life with anyone else. Do words matter? Do they matter over time, or do they lose their power? I commented in Kent's blog about that episode of Oprah that power is strength over time. We had repeated these thoughts over the period of 3 and half years. I guess that does give them power. But are they powerful enough to endure through this? He had reassured me in our time we had together that they had. Words are so powerful, and so is the mind that thinks them, and so is the heart that allows itself to feel them. Does that even make sense? Do I even care if it makes sense? No. My mind doesn't even make sense sometimes. Life doesn't make sense. Nothing makes sense. Sense. That sounds funny when you say it that many times.

big thoughts, sitting in a pew, in a small town church.

2005-09-16T01:05:00.000-06:00

I am sitting in a church, during a funeral, on the left hand side in a pew. From where I am sitting I can see the back of my grandparent's heads. My grandma's hair looks a little flat from the backside. She is quite amusing at her age of 80. Everyone is talking quietly in the church waiting for the funeral to start and then there is a hush over the crowd because it is about to begin. Just then my grandma announces to her sister-in-law next to her that " so and so" have just arrived. She thinks she is using her "quiet voice" but the whole entire church hears. I stifle a laugh. My grandpa sits so tall with his shoulders back, perfect posture. I do not know where time has gone. I can't think of the word that describes how I feel about them. They are the keystone of the family, they are strength, they are wisdom, they are love. They share all of these titles equally. My grandparents are equals in every aspect of their lives. I look at people's relationships around me and see how one dictates to the other, how they squabble over bills and money, how they talk down to the other. This isn't just one relationship but aspects that I see in everyone's relationship. Their marriage is a partnership. I want J and I to have that and in a way we do. My grandparents are an ideal to me. I have such high respect for them and as I have gotten older it has dawned on me how I strive to make them happy. I don't mean that every decision I make is centered on them, but when I am in their presence I try my best to make them proud. I am not the oldest grandchild, I am third in line, but living conditions make me the oldest "present" grandchild. I am the urban grandchild. I am different then them and have stolen a lot of "firsts".I was enrolled in a Ukrainian bilingual program in elementary (the only grandchild able to speak their language), I attended an academic high school, was the first grandchild to attend university, and now the first to receive a university degree. I have a boyfriend whom they love more than me (I swear my whole family loves when J is around and I become second best!) and my parents have accepted him like their own son, so naturally my grandparents follow suit. He is deathly polite to them and he cares about them just as much as I do. I remember the first time J met my grandparents. It was June 6th, my grandma's birthday, and she was in the hospital for some reason. My mother invited J to come along and he agreed. To his shock he ended up meeting my mother's whole ENTIRE immediate family in the wonderful confined space of a rural hospital room. Anyhow, so it makes J and I the ones who are closest to the "big day". J and I do plan on having that day, and it could be in the very near future but I feel this need to celebrate our love in the presence of the people who mean the world to me- my grandparents. They are yet to witness one of their grandchildren get married (one of my older cousins is married but she chose a civil ceremony on short notice and lives in the u.s) and I feel anxiety about it. In the last 2 years my grandma has suffered from shoulder problems (a trip in the parking lot of the church- I told her she should have sued them for everything they had...I was joking! She didn't think it was that funny...), she was diagnosed with melanoma (had the spot removed), and just this past spring was diagnosed with breast cancer. She had her left breast removed and is recovering well, she held herself together so well. I envy her strength. But all of these things have reminded me how time passes so quickly. It makes you feel guilty for not finding the time to go visit them more often, it makes you hug them tighter, and articulate your feelings for them more often. So there I am sitting in this rural church, the air is stifled with incense, my great-aunt is the reason for this occasion and yet I am not weighed down with death. I look around and see my mother's brothers and sisters. We might be scattered apart in life like we are inside the walls of this church, but we are still this collective being. I feel strength through family. Death is the farthest thing from my mind, and sadly so is the woman we are remembering. I feel blessed to have the family that I do. What an odd situation to feel it. Or maybe not.

Pictures, Pictures, Lovely Lovely Pictures

2005-09-14T00:25:00.000-06:00

Oh the Oilers' lovely zamboni. I was thinking it would be fun to rent this and drive it down Whyte Ave on my birthday. I think it even has a cool stereo system. We'd be cruising the ave slowly but surely. My boyfriend actually did work on this. He helped paint it, I think that should entitle me for one free rental!
My best friend Nicole and I took these pictures awhile ago. The first pre-season game is on Friday, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't excited. I hope I remember how to get to Rexall and find my way to our seats. Ha ha, actually I could do that in my sleep.
Is this a dream? I love how he says that our goal is to contend for the Stanley Cup. Half of me wants to laugh out loud at the t.v at him, but the other half believes him. Damn you Chris Pronger you better not give me false promises!
This seemingly innocent looking cat goes by the name Orange. He is extremely photogenic, but it is not any sort of indication of what he is really like. The good looking ones always cause the most problems! Him and my dog should be renamed Starsky and Hutch as they are the perfect trouble making team. Orange was this stray cat that was wandering around the lake and my parents finally felt sorry enough for him, also he just refused to go away, so we opened the door and let him in. He waltzed in and flopped on the floor. He was persistent and finally got what he wanted! He still continues to be stubborn.
This is my dog Sirius Black. On Halloween it will be our one year anniversary. If dogs could only talk I would finally know his story. He was abandoned and running wild at our lake for about 5 months. We knew that if someone couldn't rescue him he wouldn't survive the winter. In September he finally go captured by this group called SCARS. He was in a foster home for a while and then was deemed unadoptable. After all he had been through I couldn't let him be without a home. At first it was tough, but he has come so far. When we first brought him home he wouldn't even let us come near him. Now he demands enough attention for a kindergarten class.

I took this picture sometime last year at my cabin. I credit my technologically advanced camera and being at the edge of the lake at the exact right moment for it looking the way it does.

Relief

2005-09-10T00:51:00.000-06:00

Without a doubt these last two and a half months have been the hardest and most unhappy in my life. It is hard to function when you know that someone you love is hurting. It makes it even harder when they want to hurt alone. I was on my way home from the gym on Wednesday with the windows down and my Pearl Jam bootleg just roaring. The song "Betterman" was my new personal anthem. I pulled up to the front of my house when I see the nice little light on my cell blinking christmas colors telling me I had a text message. The message waiting for me was upseting, a doctor suggesting meds for someone who has been lost for the last two and a half months. Why is everyone so behind me? What I know takes other people 2 months to realize. Is it because I am clear headed, rational, and know that person better then others? Why do people wait until he is so deep in? I take a chance and find him playing in a tournament. We talk while he isn't playing and watching him so serious as he plays fascinates me. He looks at me inbetween shots, and I silently hope for the demise of his opponents. He ends up getting elimanted after awhile and we part ways. It wasn't that happy of a goodbye. I can tell the culmination of his day is weighing on him. He isn't the boy I knew 4 months ago. He looks tired and lifeless. I'm upset when I leave and I don't remember how I made it home. That night he text messages me and tells me he is glad that I came to watch him and that it helped. Maybe he doesn't hate me. My life is so up and down. He calls me by our little inside joke name. I feel better. The next day after getting home from the gym I fire him a message wondering if he wants to go walk around the mall. Suprisingly he responds. He is going back to the doctors and we make plans to meet later. Walking around the mall with him goes by too quickly. It is like nothing has ever happened. We hold hands or I slip my arm through his, we laugh like we always do, and we have lots to share with eachother. I drop him off to meet a friend and then it happens. He comes around to give me a hug and when he turns to walk away he says the three words I thought I would never hear again. We hug again and I hold him tightly. I can't remember what I said, it doesn't matter anyway. I finally feel like our lives might go back to normal. I feel like he's coming back into himself again. I feel true happiness, something that has been missing. He is not just a partner, he is my best friend, my right side. I stop by a friends house for a short while then go home. I talk to Nicole far away in her new life. She is happy for me. Shortly after midnight he messages me and tells me the crazy shit going on inside of his house. He wants out and I know that anything he has accomplished in the last two days is at risk of being lost. I hate that people are so selfish and don't know how their actions affect other people. I leave my house just before two to pick him up. It takes that long for him to get out. We drive around for most of the night talking. A lot of things become resolved during our long drive. He is stronger and knows what he has to take control of. He refuses to accept what he was told tonight, that life is always going to be this way and he has to accept it. I am proud of him. He knows that he can achieve happiness and it isn't his fault if they don't want to. He tells me that he doesn't care what they say about me. He says he doesn't want to be like them. He also tells me that nothing has changed between us. Part of me wants to scream at him that he should of told me that a long time ago. He didn't realize the doubt I have been harbouring all summer. We listen to music as we drive, sometimes halting the conversation to turn up the volume on a song. He begins to tell me why this all began. It has nothing to do with me. Relief. He wants to get better and he feels it is time. We hold hands, we laugh, we rant together about the craziness of them. I feel like we are in this together for the long run and it might be hard but we will make it. He promises to go to the doctor with me tomorrow because he doesn't want me to go alone. We park in our old spot just before I drop him off. I put my head in his lap and we talk about what we miss. I end up dropping him off just after six and go home. For once my sleep is peaceful. I feel elated. I feel at ease. I feel loved. Again.

2005-02-16T15:00:00.000-07:00

YAY today was my final exam! It was incredibly vague and covered nothing that we learned in class...oh yes that's right, we didn't learn anything anyhow! Now it is off to the teaching practicum starting next Tuesday. I cannot wait to get into the role of "teacher" again, because it is boring being a student...especially after four years of being one!

Valentine's day was wonderful, J and I went to our favorite restaurant which burned down last year but has re-built since. It has just re-opened so it was nice to go back. We had nice talks, laughed lots, and enjoyed spending the night out. We exchanged our cards - I thought that J cheaped out and went for a funny card, but I was wrong it was serious. I think funny cards are okay for birthdays, but not on days like this! Even though we don't need a special day to express our love it's still nice to get flowers and cards and presents! I guess I am lucky though because J treats me like a princess all year long. To be in love!

2005-02-08T15:09:00.000-07:00

I learned today what happens when you stand up for something that you believe in. I am in my last semester of my Education degree, and in my English methods class we have not been given the appropriate instruction to prepare us for our practical or our careers. Every single day people in my class complain at lunch or after school how we do not learn anything. Finally a group of us got tired of learning nothing and went to the associate chair of the department yesterday to voice our concerns. We all felt relieved afterwards that something or some sort of action was going to be taken. Then this morning in class our instructor announces how unprofessional some of us were acting by going to the chair, and how she feels so hurt by this. Some people gasped and said "people from OUR class did THAT?", while others raised their eyebrows in surprise. Give me a break people, you all know what is NOT going on in this classroom, so do not patronize me by pretending that you don't think this is the biggest waste of our academic career. Our instructor then went on to say in all of her years of teaching this has never happened and she is just in shock over the whole situation. She then asked us to write us a letter signed or unsigned (well of course those who "do not have a problem" will sign the letter, while those who have concerns will not) about what our concerns are. She mentioned that she had just wished that this group of people would have approached her personally instead of going to the department. I cannot even stand the stupidity at this point, because time after time we have asked specific questions about whether we will learn something and she always skirts the issue and says we'll do it later. We only have until next Tuesday to learn everything we have to know to start us off in our careers as teachers and we have done nothing. I honestly think she handled the situation poorly, because she did not even wait until everyone in class arrived. She did then so she could see those who stood up for their education squirm. For the rest of the day we felt alienated by our classmates, and discriminated at by her. There were FOUR isolated incidents today where she responded directly to something we had did. The first one was when one of the girls had sneezed a couple of times in a row and people around her said "bless you". Our instructor stops what she is saying and waits for them to finish (give me a break it's a damn sneeze!). Then she gave verbal attitude to one of the girls (who had gone to complain) about an issue brought up in class about the syllabus. Then after lunch, a small group of us were late returning from lunch (this was not intentional) and she stops talking until we sit down. How many times have other people come in late and she either says hello to them, or ignores the disruption? Then the last straw was this afternoon when we were looking at some resources individually, she comes over and tells us to stop talking. But not 5 minutes later a lot of people in class were talking and nothing was said to them. BAH!

It comes to show you that people will sit there and complain, but when it comes time to do something no one will take the responsibility to do what is right. I don't care if the rest of my class doesn't want to learn, and is happy wasting day after day, and dollar after dollar of tuition. I am depending on her to teach me, and she is not doing it. This is not a personal issue against her as a person, it is against what is going on in class. I feel that she is going to persecute us for standing up for ourselves. We all plan to go and talk to her tomorrow about it, and we are all going to come prepared with reasons why we did what we did. Lets see what happens.

2005-02-02T16:17:00.000-07:00

Okay so yesterday I did not take the vitamin for fear I would throw up again. This morning I felt brave and I decided to try it. While I was blow drying my hair I started to feel nauseated and had to sit down until it passed. I am sure the vitamin is doing something weird to my stomach, so I've decided to not take it from now on until I have eaten breakfast.

Some people drive me freaking crazy. I think that they act the way they do because they think that you will accept them if they act like that. Too bad it is becoming very annoying. Why can't anyone be serious when I am trying to be serious. Sometimes I think that I am a doormat, and am too afraid to say what I am feeling. I hate collaborative work. I also don't like it when I can't help people and their problems but they keep telling me anyway. Is it horrible to think that I have enough of my own?

Today is J and I's 2Y9M anniversary. Nothing exciting will ensue because I have to take my dog to obedience class. I remember when we first started dating and each month was a milestone that we marked. Now there are some months when I almost forget. I am tired of doing work all the time, I just want to crawl into bed and have J hold me so I can forget the world for one day. But unfortunately the world doesn't take the hint...

2005-01-31T21:34:00.000-07:00

Today was great. I threw up a couple of times in the morning. I always thought throwing up was something that you did in your childhood. See what happens when you take vitamins? They can make you throw up! If I throw up again tomorrow I'm going to stop taking them.

J re-lived some old times tonight. He came home happy and content. I couldn't help but feed off of his energy. I found myself laughing and smiling as he shared his evening with me. We haven't done that in a long time. When he goes out by himself like this it reminds me of him three years ago when we first met. He was out giving into old habits and past times, and I was at the mall browsing at bright and sparkling things. I guess we were both in bliss.

2005-01-31T00:48:00.000-07:00

I stumbled quite by accident to a link to a website for a friend I have not seen or spoken to in ages. It felt quite eerie to be reading about his life without him knowing. I almost felt guilty.

Then for some reason I felt compelled to create my own.

I tend to not follow through with things so we will see how this goes...