What an interesting experience it is to have complete strangers pay your way. How to respond to such gestures I am unclear about. I tend to do the whole no no don't worry about it, but then they do anyhow and I then do the over gracious thing. I don't want them to pay, I don't expect them to, I don't go there to have things paid for, but for some reason they offer. I met an interesting old man on saturday night at the bar. He had quite the head of white hair, actually his eyebrows, moustache, and general facial hair were all that way. He was playing that ntn trivia game and kept talking out loud. At first I was irritated because I wasn't playing and didn't want to hear this man's train of thought, also he was distracting me from N and I's game. The trivia questions actually seemed decent for once so N and I decided to try our chance at it. Well this of course gave him the excuse to have an ongoing conversation with me. I'll admit it-I cheated. When he said the answers out loud I would as quick as my fingers could press that answer. The more he talked the more he reminded me of this professor I had for canadian lit two years ago. He had this energy, this knowledge, this almost lonerism about him. He wasn't wearing a wedding ring so I assumed he wasn't married, but I felt bad for him that he could be going home to an empty house every night. He told me that he usually plays at average joes, but once in a while goes to select other bars to play it there instead. He said he likes to come visit some of the ladies that work here. I was kind of dissapointed that his breath smelled like beer. It was like it made him less true, it made him like every other man who drinks, it made him no better than them. He is like this hardcore ntn player who knows so much about anything and everything. He'd be shouting out answers before they even appeared on the screen. I just let him talk because I didn't always know what to say. He informed me that he had to leave about 2/3 of the way through one round because he had to catch the bus to get to the lrt station, and ride the lrt to the u, get off and wait for some bus that he hoped he wouldn't have to wait too long for because it only runs every half an hour, and if he missed that bus he would have to walk 10 blocks from bonnie doon mall. I wondered what would possess this man to take all that public transportation all the way across the city to sit at this bar to play this game. Am I wasting my life away, or has he wasted his life away? Should I let myself be like him and take immense pleasure in things that don't get me anywhere in life? Or should he be like me and constantly worry about what I'm doing with my life and what's happening to the people around me? Why did this person come into my existence at that moment? What am I supposed to have learned from it?
I learned an interesting piece of information this wek from J's mom. I saw her after the hockey game on tuesday. She isn't doing so well and was very chatty. She just kept talking and talking about him. She told me something that I needed to hear and never would have heard from anyone but her. I guess she has been trying to get him to talk to her but he isn't responding at all. She said when she goes into his room he just turns away from her. Last weekend she was in his room trying to make him talk, and she just doesn't get why he won't talk to her about anything and somehow in this interaction he told her that
Holly is the only one who understands me. Sure this is probably a big kick in the face for her but for me it made my heart feel all special and loved and my head swell an inch and a half. Here was this woman telling me this because she feels exasperated by it, but it was the complete opposite for me. He must have said this sometime after seeing me last friday. I must have done something right. Then again he did shoot me with our pretend guns that night. Don't you love the silly inside jokes? I'm glad I'm the only one who understands him because I feel like he is the only one who gets me sometimes. And as long as we get eachother it will be okay. I just wish he would allow himself to be understood right now. She really shouldn't take it too personally though- she is his MOTHER. Did it ever occur to anyone that we aren't JUST a couple, that we are also best friends? Imagine two people being lovers AND friends! Okay, enough with the caps but really people! Have you ever noticed how often university professors refer to their husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends as "partners"? Some do it because of the dictionary definition of husband and wife, others do it because they want to seem all vague (not on purpose but it does make you think), others do it to be like everyone else. Anyhow, the point is that some people are actually able to achieve the title of being partners. I do believe we are partners. We share everything and we are equals. I tried to reassure her it was because she was mom, but she still couldn't accept it I don't think. It's nice to know how important you are to someone else, too bad it can be at someone else's expense. But she sees him everyday, she gets to talk to him (well she talks he ignores), she even just gets to see that he is still existing. I got nothing, but this beats it all. I would rather know that that statement came from his mouth amongst everything going on inside him and around him right now. It is a pretty powerful thing to say to someone who is not that person. No matter what she does, what she says, how much she pushes she cannot replace me. I feel honoured and proud.
It makes me think of that Foo Fighters' song "The Best of You". The line
is someone getting the best of you I like to interpret it as a separate entity from the rest of the song. I know it means more so about having someone in your life that is like taking from you even though you might not want them to. But I like to use it as a self-reflection question: is someone getting the best of you- as in are you giving everything you have to someone or whatever you are doing in your life right now, because if you aren't then why the hell try? They deserve the best you can give. Maybe that is why I am the one who understands him because I've always tried to give my best to him. Don't all rush in at the last minute being all righteous, he sees right through it. He told me that last friday. He doesn't buy it. He doesn't care. Too late. It was too late years ago.
The mail arrived on wednesday, but I haven 't opened it yet. I am waiting for a moment when I need to feel loved. My name is all in big J writing. I've looked at his writing close enough to see how he formed each letter. I am still enjoying the presence of the envelope unopened in my room, so I will ride that out.
Oh, N and I also made $20 each on friday night. Moe won big on the vlt and decided to share with buddy holly and nicole kidman.
A quote I was delighted to find in the Chronicles of Narnia the other night:
"
When things go wrong, you'll find they usually go on getting worse for some time; but when things once start going right they often go on getting better and better"- The Magician's Nephew
This comes after Digory and Polly return from Narnia, and he has brought with him a silver apple which will help heal his mother. If I ever own another male cat I want to call him Aslan, damn Orange would make a good Aslan because he's orange.
I know who I would give my silver apple to
